Gypsy Moths and Radio Talk

2:14pm: falling down
Looking back and seeing the days of grade school and thinking how important it was,
I'm left thinking how insignificant it all is.
I went through life not worrying about being somebody,
and not worrying that if I fail I'd have a second chance.
And that  if I was a kind and just person that it wouldn't matter the perils that lye ahead.
At some point I actually enjoyed being happy, it didn't matter what it was.
what a lie.
I drank that poison and liked it.


I'd cower in fear if someone threatened my life.
I guess I am looking for hope.
I'm not sure what void I am trying to fill.
All I know is that I am not internally happy nor with the world.
My heart is in my shoes.
I'm crawling out of my skin, slowly but surely.
There is a need to get out.
Separate myself from humanity.

What responsibility do I have to anybody other than myself?
I need time to analyze myself and find true happiness.
This constant apathetic view on the world is sickening.
I used to care.

people used to matter to me.
It's sad because they are the only ones like me.
I can't alienate myself forever.

3:32pm: at school yesterday there was this character building group that came to talk to us about well
building our character.
they were called "seven"
At first it was this goofy rapping white guy who wasn't half bad
then this preacher guy talked, I guess he was more of an "inspirational speaker"
then there was a weird skit, which had me laughing.

then it it got serious.
The speaker started talking about changing lifestyles and looking within yourself
to actually see who you are.
He played some videos showing the world from different eras.
I've always been one to be a little over sensitive for the passion in the world, so i got a little
teary eyed.
anyways- so on so forth
he showed this chica who said I will only try METH once, but she ended up doing like
23407290167 times.
Then her sister started doing it too.
So the sister took a shower and found blood in the tub, and looked down and saw her sister naked
all bruised up
telling her not to do Meth.
It was freaky.

This speaker starts talking about how all teens have secrets and lives that they don't talk about
and what they do to cope.
It was really eery how accurate he was.
My point is that he started talking about how his parents were alcoholics and
how his mother was clinically depressed.
That got my attention....sounds all too familiar.

He went on to say that he went home one day to find his mother saying sorry
for taking too many pills and that she is going to die.
He called the police, he was screaming at his mom DON"T DIE!

I broke down.
I was embarrassed.

Then he asked the auditorium to write their secrets on a piece of paper
and put them in a box on the stage.
I was surprised, but like more than half the auditorium went up there.
People were crying and jive

3:17pm: So a slow wave of depression is creeping up upon me. 
I've never ever really been depressed before.
I blame my parents.
Music is the only thing I can relate to right now.
I can't stop listening to this album I got, it's like a bunch of groups from the Philharmonic.
= )
i'm tired of being sad
People are honestly getting to me
In recent days I have found myself getting genuinely pissed
at people's behaviors.
I mean I can't say much, I am human, but there just comes a point where you have
to raise your hands in the air and say what the fuck is happening?

5 more months of school is seemingly too long from now.
I have such an urge to fast forward in time and be in my future life
and just live.

6:06pm: You're on top of the world today
I've got this crazy feeling
there is a pool on the other side
I can't say that I can fly
but I sure am feeling pretty happy
Keep the beat and keep it real
Let's make this last forever
=D





<a href="http://s169.photobucket.com/albums/u222/Belen_and_Stephany/?action=view&current=epicphoto.gif" target="_blank"><img src="http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u222/Belen_and_Stephany/epicphoto.gif" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

7:48pm: I'm standing at the threshold of humanity. For some reason I feel I'm more of the person looking at things from the outside .
I don't know if this is just some form of being conceited, but I get this impression of myself that I am the only one in this high school world that really gets who they are. I don't get why certain people are the way they are.

Things that I don't see myself doing:

-Caring what people think (excluding parents)
-Being sad for no apparent reason
-Hating myself
-Getting in a physical confrontation
-Doing anything that's not herb
-Hating someone else for being ugly
-Being racist
-Not being self-reliant


I am my own being.
I circle this earth just like everyone else.
Why should I see myself as better?
This may seem corny
but in all honesty music is the ONLY thing that makes sense anymore.
Music is the interlocking connection between all humans.
It the reason we feel compassion for others.
Sympathy we feel for others in times of trouble comes from the faintest realization that we are all
together and not these malicious, deceitful, conniving , and hurtful monsters.
The feeling like something is tugging on your heart strings is music playing it's beautiful
rhapsody for the sake of humans. It's trying to mend what is broken.





 
I <3 orchestras!

3:13pm: friends
I have come to realization that friends are a lot like SIMS. If you don't keep in touch with them, they will just stop being your friend. You would think a game wouldn't  capture the essence of humanity so well, but it does. I don't just mean the whole keeping in touch thing, but everything. The whole point of the game is to attain the SIMS ultimate aspiration and they know what it is as soon as they are a teen. Humans are supposed to, but there are those who waste and wallow and fade away into the system due to lack of goals. Which sucks.
Anyways...
Summer has been pretty much kank.
I want to hang with a good friend of mine, but due to her cracked out crazy parents, we can't.
I don't want to say I miss her, because i'm not a lesbian, but as far our friendship goes, I feel it is going down the tube.
Some things just don't make sense.
She has a life for which she dedicates to her boyfriend and then she has a life that is dedicated to her friends.
Combining them together created questions.
She has told me that he is wonderful, great, crappy, stupid, neglectful, unemotional, awesome, beautiful, and the one.
whatever, it'll all be good later on in life.
sdlkghslh

anyways, so we are not allowed to hang because of some picture and her brother.
We were smoking and she was drinking.
wow.
so now we talk on AIM and stuff.
cool.
She tells me stuff and I tell her stuff and do what friends do.
Now it's just getting a little ridiculous.
It's been about 3 months and her parents need to get over it.
I'm not a bad kid.
Not like they don't smoke weed. They claim to be hippies...my ass.
So now she hangs out another awesome person.
We all get along and stuff, but she lives like a block away...
I just wish she would try and make an effort to atleast hangout with me.
it's like she is avoiding me.
I haven't done anything.
How can her parents are totally fucking retarded
Oh well. 
As Frank Sinatra puts it "That's Life"
.

haha
this is just so dumb
babababadddadadadada
shoop da woop.

things will get better, that's a fact. =D

Jack Johnson is pretty good right now.
=)

NY TOMORROW!!!! yussss

4:40pm: so Cocaine was illegalized by racial fear. The whites were scared that the blacks would uprise and kill them all.  Apparently the white slave owners gave the slaves cocaine to motivate them and make them work longer and faster. So the whites blamed the cocaine when the blacks started attacking them.

pretty interesting.

8:56pm: bleh
I must confess that I like My Chemical Romance's new song
Teenagers....

"Teenagers scare the living shit out of me"

10:47pm: 4:30 am, I haven't a clue.

I walk the streets of this land until I get lost.
Not much else, without intoxication or some other substance abuse.
Digital photography captures and freezes time, while the world still goes on.
Satellites constantly in use, with a touch of a finger you can transcend to another country.
Leaping through the years without concept, just knowledge, leaves you pointless and searching.

The government treads in some parking lot where it sees a car.
Minding the business of our own, he stumbles timidly but assertive.
"Why is your car parked in this parking lot?"-
"Not driving the destruction of the world and eating our death"-
"Please continue, better safe."

Swimming in the ocean leaves one wanting more.
Drifting out as far as possible, with no cares or worries or responsibilities.
Punching under water allows you no aim, so you keep hitting until you arms give way.
Supposed friends with "no" attraction strive for the best of looks, honesty, "mutuality", tension, and love.
Lies wrap around them like a blanket on a cold winter's night. Deception and the whites of their eyes dwindle away as the intoxication enters their veins.
Talks of the past and hatred of authority cross into conversation as they pass around the Captain and a Jay.
"Man does that burn-
"But it feels so good"

People love sex
People love money
People love getting their way
People love feeling comfortable

I've tried walking this land until I get lost.
So far it's hard enough just trying to get through the jungle of emotions.
Physically anybody is ready to leave a town they have been brought up in.
Words echo in the brain, with a wave of tingling sensations and a numbness of lips and legs.
Saying anything starting with an "L" creates a tickling feeling on the roof of my mouth.
Kick the ball and shove it as far away as possible, it needs to go. It doesn't belong here, with the shelved items and bar coded and the price tagged. It has somewhere more important to be. Even if it just a ball.

Blinking lights and colored walls fill the room.
Beings from a twisted land of imagination form to the jumbled world of reality.
Neck ties and penny loafers dress them so perfectly, with a come over and old zute suits.  
Staring blanklessly momentarily then with a jolt shove their deep eyes of despair into your nose.
The smell of their desperation and torment permeates horribly and relentlessly as you try and take a breath of clarity, you are choked by more gloom and hopelessness. For a second you have a moment of relief and your mind opens up to the worlds possibilities and there is reason to be on the wretched earth, no need for structured beliefs, just absolute self discovery and being who were always meant to be. The live of suffering has ended, but now you wish for more. The second moon of the month comes and you stare blanklessly when those beings come forth once more. That stench of humility and torment reappear as you choke once more you are prepared for the beauty of self discovery. The clarity comes, but with a harsh bite. The world looks the same as it did before. All the disgust and anguish you went through was for nothing? Think again. The world was always the same, you changed, and you expected to change again, but the powers of inorganic beings aren't to tell you what you don't know, but to expound and reveal what you have inside you. You cannot change more than once, so suggest to your minds and selves who you are and how you intend to live. Is it within the boundaries of society or throughout the worlds captivation. Not one person is alone, it takes many to create an outsider.

7:30pm: <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i169.photobucket.com/albums/u222/Belen_and_Stephany/dwarfs.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a>



they are super small.
imagine being that tiny.

7:51pm: liking people.


is retarded.


and stupid. 



and idiotic



and  good.



fucking fools

4:34pm: The time has come to create all the dreams I have created.
Thanks to self motivation and determination anything is possible.
Almost everything I need is available, just a few creative inspirations are not at hand.
I'm ready for anything and everything to happen.
The world is finally doing what I want.


-KAT-
we should talk on AIM at some point.
I have an idea we should work on.
i think you would enjoy it.
or just call me or e-mail me.

I want to write a song.
I can't figure out the melody though.
Things will come together though.

6:05pm: wednesday

Today was just an ordinary day.
I got home, did the normal things- sit down, get up, brush my teeth, and then take a nap.
Then around 5:30 it was time to go to work. 
I went. 
My mother called a few minuites before me getting there, asking if I had to work or not.
They said no.
I enter.
They are sitting in the back smoking and drinking- the norm.
They told me my mother called and that I didn't have to work. 
My Boss, Rory, was acting extremely wierd.
I swear to god he was stoned out of his mind.
Or on something in general. 
I mean, I've been around some pretty stoned people, and he was more than odd.
He would look directly into your eyes and say these depressing things.
Mostly about his life- I wasn't sure on how to act- so I just acted a little high too.
Just to make things a little less wierd. 
We started talking about the ultimate depresser- GLOBAL WARMING
He told me that he really scared for the first time in his life and that he didn't want me to die.

He just kept looking at me directly in the eyes. It was just...odd- then my mom picked me and we got into this huge argument, because she yelled at Rory for not calling to say I didn't have to work. She was super pissed. It sooooo awkward. So her alcoholism isn't the best thing in the world- so guess what she does when she gets pissed??? anybody- yup- it's not hard to figure out.

I was pissed at her for that, and so now I am writing this.

...a little down- but jack johnson is the cure

9:50pm: things thing

So today was pretty cool

I washed my mothers car

Oh some drunk guy spent the night- no clue to who he was, but he was gone by morning

Then just like 5 min ago some guy came by and bought weed from us. 

odd

No clue to who he was either
oh well
I am so bored
I want something to do
Kat is away camping
Robert is in Arizona
Brooke is grounded
Belen and I haven't been in touch
Mom can't drive
Jackie is...well we always do the same thing and I want something new
Candy is crazy and there is drama right now with her (not with me)

I'll call Belen

10:48pm: Guns, Cars, and People

So tell me why cars have to have a massive amount of power that can kill people in a second?
WHY ARE PEOPLE IDIOTS?

People are fools with their cars.
Why is speeding cool?
It kills and destroys

Today I went to the movies to have a good time. 
This guy Pete took us, pretty cool until he took us home. 

He started speeding insanely.
It wasn't fun and wasn't cool. 
We were going down Victory and he started swirving in the road, going all zig zag and shit.
Then he spead up even more and went up the bridge and started doing the whole Fast and the Furious shit and going all in between the cars super fast.
He went up to 100 miles per hour!
Then he was to do it again when the car in front of us went into the other lane and we litterally 2 inches from death. 
Pete is the stupidest driver I have been in a car with. 

We went to David's house for a minuite when these weird people drove us into a corner and wouldn't let us go. 
They pulled out a gun and threatened Pete not to speed again. 
Then they lectured us on how they had friends that died in speeding accidents and stuff
It was pretty freaky.

10:17pm: so tell me
The thing about livejournal, is that you can type almost anything and kinda not feel stupid. So here it goes....


Lately I've been kinda freaking about this thing I have to do called College.

Although I have had no incling as to what I want to do with my life or where the hell I am going to end up in something something years.

All I know is that I want to be a Vagrant, a fancy word for hobo.
I have lead a quite adventurous lifestyle to begin with and now I want in to end that way.
I don't want to die in my bed asleep
I'd much rather be climbing a mountain and had fallen off or something ( i wouldn't want to survive falling off a mountain- too painful)

I've only been to France once, although I am going there again. 
New York is just an awesome place to explore- it can never get old- I <3 NY
haha

anyways- hmm

Maybe I should just run away and never return like in the Lion King and live the motto of Timon and Pumba

Acoona Matata.....do not know how to spell
means no worries for the rest of your days
It's our problem free philosophy


okay
my dad is going to Iowa
and Oklahoma
to live as a Native American for 2 weeks

10:46pm: "Why do fools fall in love"

OH man, what a song, and so true. 
I can't say I am in love, but I can agree to myself that I am absolutely smitten with a somebody.


...what's not fair is that this somebody flirts back and he has a girlfriend.
what to do?
Should I be a mean person and steal him from her
or just wait it out, until he breaks it off from her. 

I don't even know her though, like at all. 
I'm not mean though, and that's really mean.
nope
waiting it out is a good and nice thing to do.
Doesn't change anything about how I feel
haha

aaahhhh teenage crap

gotta love it. 

9:32am: sdgjksdjjs

i am going to France in 2 days!
i'm so excited, I just can't hide it.
haha
Although I might get killed because of the riots over there now. The French are so weird...

well....I will bring back something. I will steal something from the hotel.
the bible. mayeb it will be in french, never mind, why would they have french bibles in a hotel where non-french people would be staying.
anyways...

11:18pm: i am going to write a musical.
i have all the people to write it, compose it, choreograph it, and design it.
I just have a have an idea on what to write about.
ugh! i really need an idea.
I need something real and something that will capture people's attention.
Nothing about gay people, that it way too much in the craze. It needs to get out of that.
It can have gay people in it though.
The only idea I have received was an idea about a lonely mexican.
I need more.
anyways....repsond. hahaha
i am lame. but i don't care.

5:11pm: Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha
Ha, ha-ha, ha
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha
Ha, ha-ha, ha

[Will.I.Am]
It's funny how a man only thinks about the...
You got a real big heart, but I'm looking at your...
You got real big brains, but I'm looking at your...
Girl, there ain't no pain in me looking at your...

[PCD]
I don't give a...
Keep looking at my...
'Cause it don't mean a thing if you're looking at my...
I'm a do my thing while you're playing with your...
Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha

Every boy's the same
Since I been in the seventh grade
They been trying to get with me
Trying to (Ha, ha-ha, ha, ha-ha)
They always got a plan
To be my one and only man
Want to hold me with their hands
Want to (Ha, ha-ha, ha, ha-ha)
I keep turning them down
But, they always come around
Asking me to go around
That's not the way it's going down

'Cause they only want
Only want my ha, ha-ha
Ha, ha-ha
Only want what they want
But, na, ah-ah
Na, ah-ah

[Will.I.Am]
It's funny how a man only thinks about the...
You got a real big heart, but I'm looking at your...
You got real big brains, but I'm looking at your...Girl, there ain't no pain in me looking at your...

[PCD]
I don't give a...
Keep looking at my...
'Cause it don't mean a thing if you're looking at my...
I'm a do my thing while you're playing with your...
Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha

Do you know that no
Don't mean yes, it means no
So just hold up, wait a minute
Let me put my two cents in it
One, just be patient
Don't be rushing
Like you're anxious
And two, you're just too aggressive
So try to get your (Ahh)

Do you know that I know?
And I don't want to go there

Only want
Only want my ha, ha-ha
Ha, ha-ha
Only want what they want
But, na, ah-ah
Na, ah-ah

[Will.I.Am]
It's funny how a man only thinks about the...
You got a real big heart, but I'm looking at your...
You got real big brains, but I'm looking at your...
Girl, there ain't no pain in me looking at your...

[PCD]
I don't give a...
Keep looking at my...
'Cause it don't mean a thing if you're looking at my...
I'm a do my thing while you're playing with your...
Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha

[Will.I.Am]
Boomp-boomp, Omp-omp
Boomp, boomp-boompBoomp-boomp, Omp-omp
Boomp, boomp-boomp
[Repeated]

[PCD]
Ooh, you've got it bad I can tell
You want it bad, but oh well
Dude, what you got for me
Is something I
Something I don't need
Oh!

[Will.I.Am]
It's funny how a man only thinks about the...
You got a real big heart, but I'm looking at your...
You got real big brains, but I'm looking at your...
Girl, there ain't no pain in me looking at your...

[PCD]
I don't give a...
Keep looking at my...
'Cause it don't mean a thing if you're looking at my...
I'm a do my thing while you're playing with your...
Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha

[Will.I.Am]
It's funny how a man only thinks about the...
You got a real big heart, but I'm looking at your...
You got real big brains, but I'm looking at your...
Girl, there ain't no pain in me looking at your...

[PCD]
I don't give a...
Keep looking at my...
'Cause it don't mean a thing if you're looking at my...
I'm a do my thing while you're playing with your...
Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha
1.


ohhkayyy
well
i am going to get
high with my meds.
actually I don't know.
but..i might be going to brooke's church...i don't know if i can go.

10:21pm: sooo bored & sick




and




well

i am sick...i slept most of the day.
and i don't have to go to school tuesday.
ugh! i feel like schtick.
anyways...hope you people have a good day.

8:38pm: well

I feel...

umm...excited.
but i can't really talk about it.
but///
i like this...

all i know is that it is awesome.

umm....

8:13pm: dsgadsgjasbghk

i was having a good day, I mean hanging out with brooke, davis and shawn, was fun and exciting.
then the rest of the day was kinda blah, but it was fun.

but of course people are such idiots and well, i can't get into detail, but i really do not like one paticular person that came over, by the name of jason.
god i hate him.
but i did realize that i don't hate Dr. Kilbourne

anyways I had to say something,
anyways

Brooke is coming back to school, that's awsome.

3:38pm: today we celebrated my father's birthday.

we ate carrot cake.

hahaha

friday, Brooke and I forked Vann's yeard.
It was funny.
He had to pick them up.
We also went to Spin City with Candy,and these guys we met...Phill, Kevin and Justin. They were cool.

Umm..oh, we went to three cemetaries. We went to this slave cemetary, and that shit was creepy.
It was not cool.
Candy got posessed or something.

We did a seonce(don't know howe to spell) at the colonial cemetary downtown, and that was fun.
We played this game called Sex. Where everytime you see a car with a head light out, you have to say SEX! but the last person to say it, has to take off a piece of their clothing.

We went to Krystals, where I chipped in a buck to buy 12 krystals, that i didn't eat.
I mean that meat is not meat, and it was gray, and green.
Not appetizing.

Anyways, When we left Krystals, there were street racer racing.
so we decided to go to Bonadeventure, but there was a man alone(well kinda)I saw another person, but let's just say he wanted to be alone in a cemetary 3 in the morning, in a car, with a female.


3 people called last night around 3 am, that I didn't know.
I think it might have been some of brooke's friends.

1:19pm: well school isn't too bad.

i am going to the junior prom.

hahaha
there is this german exchange student that everybody is talking about and i hadn't seen him, so my friend Mary has been trying to tag him down for the past month, and today we finally did.
She aplogized to him for screaming at him, saying " THATS HIM! THAT'S HIM!!!!" and just stalking him in general.
But he kinda looked at her like she was crazy.
but hes hot.
i think so.
So Mary has asked him to join us for lunch, but he's been so freaked out that I don't think he is going to.
But he said " I'll think about it." in a really thick german accent.
but yeah, I just want to be his friemd, but appently he is really shy.
he doesn't seem it.
oh well.


talk to ya later